"The Things That Made Me Smile, Now Make Me Cry."

Sorry, for not blogging for a while... school has started... you know how it is.

But this blog is some of the effects of school. I remember being so excited about school and going home and even being excited to go to sleep to start the day again. However, these days have not been like the old days.... I haven't been sleeping that well cause I have been so consumed with school and work and etc. This dream that I had was... um a little crazy.lol

Now this was a dream that I had last night and the star was Mos Def and I… I didn’t want that dream to end…WARNING: Don’t eat, listen to your Ipod and then fall asleep or do and you will freakbody ass dreams like this.


It is 1 o’clock as I sit alone in my bed in my high rise apt. Fuck… he is supposed to be here. Awaken by his absence. I take a look at my phone…. He hasn’t even called. I fall back to my pillow and feel a tear come from my eye….

The phone rings….

“hey girl he just left the club with some bitch”


“Alright”

“girl, did you just hear what I said… are you ok? What do you to do…you want me to say something to his ass cause I will… girl you know I will… blah blah blah ”

I hang up the phone without thinking or having to hear what she has to say. The world right now is non existent.

I am waiting on the elevator and my mind is racing so much I cannot think of the next thing I should do. I step on the elevator and I am puzzled with everything that is going on right now…

As the elevator hits each floor, my mind hits every memory of him and the memories that we have together…

Ding 8 Our kisses
Ding7 His scent
Ding6 His laugh
Ding5 Our arguements
Ding4 His feelings toward me…
Ding3 Why would he do this to me
Ding2 ….


I run through the rain with a silk slip to my car, and just my luck I would be listening to this song…

U R The One…. (fuck that put this shit on repeat)

I woulda never thought (damn)
I guess I better think again (you know?)
OK, now the shit is really sinking in

By now I am crying, speeding down the Chicago streets ready to end it all. I trusted him….

I trusted him…


I trusted him….

Why did I trust him…. I sreetch to a halt for the red light and try to calm down… my heart is now pounding a little harder than the rain now…. I’m now speeding faster than ever to get to him. Not knowing what to say to him. Not knowing how to feel about him. Not knowing anything but I love him.

Couldn't read the signs in the road: "SLOW DOWN!"
I'm too deep in the road now
Got me pulling over getting smoked out
Fighting tears that I can't hold down
Can't believe it, this fucka's got me weeping
I keep it a secret so my friends won't peep it (live man?)
But late in the evening I'm up, my chest heaving
I'm reaching in the dark and I'm looking for the reason



I am sitting here thinking do I really wanna go upstairs and see what the fuck is going on up there… is that something I wanna even up myself up to?

The girl don’t matter. I know what they are all about. I can care less about her… The real problem is that I trusted him… My love is preventing me from hating him…

I failed to realize that I was sitting in front of his building sobbing and thinking.. more of the sobbing than thinking. I am now going on uncontrollable emotion. It drove me over here. It made me cry. It is making me hurt. I am just so fucken hurt.

How could all the magic and passion just vanish (c'mon)
Went from outstanding, to makin' me shout, "Dammit!"
Can't explain the changes, behavior's is outlandish
Now I'm just stuck in the road feeling stranded
I'm in the dark wishing for the answers
On some ol' "Biggie gimme one more chance" shit

My heels are clicking clacking towards his door, this keys jingling in my hand.
(I can remember him saying, “use these whenever you want”)
My hands are shaking, I open the unlocked door to see “the girl” walking towards me. She looks shaken of what just happened and of seeing me walking through the door. As I walk through the wet hallway, I hear music gentenly coming through the stereo….

I stand there… he looks at me as if he is not surprised of my presence. we Do not speak…

“Don’t come back”

I turn around as the girl walks out hanging her head in shame.

I continue to stand there…. Waiting for him to say something…yet nothing has been said. I am just standing there. However I seem to be captured by the television…. But still hurt.

I snap back into reality and realize where I am at and my eyes shift to him…

“What the fuck was that???”

He takes a second before he looks at me…

“What you mean?”

“What the fuck do you think I mean? What the fuck was that shit that just walked out the door? What the fuck was the shit that you told me that you were coming over after you finished your “runs”. What fuck???”

“You just need to calm down. Didn’t shit happen. And you know that. I was about jump in the car to come over until you decided to come over with this bullshit.”

Taken back from his attitude… all I can do is mumble “I trusted you”

Fuck that… that aint all I can do… My hand whips across his face with all my might.

Walking away from me… he walks into the kitchen

“What are you doing….?”

“What does it look like I am doing? I am thirsty.”

“So you are deciding to you make some tea. You don’t give a shit about what I just said…”

“No, I am making you some tea cause you look and smell like you walked out of Lake Michigan. And I can tell you are cold…”

I remembered what I have on. He is looking at my boobs. Any other time I would have just laughed and playfully hit him and give him a kiss. But this is not any other time. This time I am hurt. I my eyes are blaring, trying to hold back every tear that is in my eyes…. And every emotion that I have in my heart is wanting me to cry, and every thought in my mind is telling me not to. All of my thoughts are scrambled and i cannot even conture up the words to say to him…

“Sit down.”

He walks over with tea and bottle of juice. He takes his shirt from the back of the couch and puts it around me.

“I used to talk to her while ago and she gave me this bullshit ass story about how her friends left her at the club and she didn’t have any cash for a cab……. She thought something was gonna happen I guess….”

I am sitting… not even thinking. Just a blank soul listening to his words fill up my brain.

“I gave her a ride over here, gave her some money for a cab and then you walked your crazy ass in….”

My eyes blare in his direction


…He laughs…


“You are not crazy… but you do hit hard. Next time I fight I am calling your ass.”

He comes closer to me, hugs me as tight has he ever had…

“Destiny,


I love you I would never hurt you.”



A tear falls from my eye on to his shirt as he takes me to the bedroom to cover me up… and he whispers,

“Everything will be ok”



I call me stupid but I believe him.


-D ♥